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(1 did | let's get lost)

[28 Aug 2006|05:22pm]
i miss you. this last month has been the most trying period of my life. my auntie says yer up there smiling, because you know you got to me. that's just like you. the fact is, i've always cared about you...and i know you knew that. i try to not think about it...it's so much easier to just force myself to think it's just been awhile since i've seen you. to tell myself that one day i'm just gonna walk into my aunt's house and see you sitting on the couch in your wifebeater (haha, even though you'd walk in with about 4 layers of baggy clothes), pineapple soda in hand, watching the cartoon network. the day of my party i walked into my apartment to see one of my friends sitting on the couch without his shirt on...haha, for one split second, i swore it was you. i've got a feeling these moments are going to happen often.

nobody really knows what exactly happened a month ago...except for you i guess. well, you and whoever did this to you..if, in fact, someone did have a part in this. i've come to realize it's not important how it happened, it's the fact that it did..and that you're gone, and i guess this is just how it was supposed to be.

another of an eternity of months has gone by that i haven't and won't ever see you.

i got really sick last night...i wonder if subconsciously knowing that this glum day was coming had something to do with it. they're having a vigil tonight in you're honor...and i just can't bring myself to go. i feel like a selfish coward, but i just can't. i can't publicly mourn..and i know exactly what will happen. i'll pent up all of my emotions and they'll randomly explode on some poor unsuspecting victim. i can't do that to me or anyone else. i want to go to honor you, but i've got plans to honor you as it is...things that i have to do on my own. i want to go see you soon, they should have your headstone by now...not that that's what's important. there's some sort of comfort in the thought of being able to go visit you.

te hecho de menos, hermano. un dia, espero que pueda entender.

(2 did | let's get lost)

it's gotta stop. [29 Jul 2006|11:51pm]
[ mood | trying...realllllly trying. ]

so...friday...exactly 2 weeks after my cousin sammy's death, my close friend alvaro died. he was found early friday morning across the street from his house with two puncture wounds in his neck. they think he slipped while trying to climb the fence.

honestly. this is the hardest death i've ever had to deal with. he was practically a part of my family...he used to go everywhere with us...everywhere.

so, april 15th was the last time i saw both alvaro and sammy. they pretty much hung out the whole picnic...i guess maybe they're hangin out now, too?

i only regret the fact that i was so upset with alvie the last time i saw him. gah.

to top it off...today's his 20th birthday.

feliz cumpleaños, amigo y voy a extrañarte mucho. estás destinado para algo más que este mundo puede ofrecerte. espero que tú sepas cuánto que has afectado mi vida y la vida de cada persona que has conocido. tu vida es un testamento a la fortaleza y esperanza. si alguna vez he conocido un luchador...eres tú. descansa en paz, alvaro de jesus yeppes ocampo. "let it be! marie-danielle...it's a free country". <3 you will be truly and sincerely missed.

can't do this anymore.

(2 did | let's get lost)

oh, world. [14 Jul 2006|09:46pm]
[ mood | numb ]

gah. this has been a nightmarish day.

i wake up this morning to find out that my 20 year-old cousin, sammy, from stockton was shot last night at a gas station around the corner from his house. furthermore, his body was dropped off at my other cousin's (his brother's) driveway...he died there by choking on his own blood. so, i left work early and went to be with my family in stockton.

they live in the worst part of stockton and he was startin to get his act together...but it still found a way to bring him down. GAH...and the asshole police brought my two little cousins (13 and 16) in for questioning..and decided that calling them "lying little asses" was a nice way to comfort two scared kids who woke up to find their uncle dying on their driveway. one of them even tried to perform cpr on him.

now, i fear for my other cousins....because they aren't going to let this go down easy. my cousin abel (the oldest of that group of cousins) already went to the guy's house who killed him and shot up his car (apparently they know who did it?). it's a horrible, horrible cycle of violence and i can't do anything. i just want to scream or cry or...gah.

yet, no matter how much i just want to hate the world right now for doing something so terrible to a family that has been put through enough shit...i look at my 8 year-old cousin who lived with sammy, and smile. kids are so honest and pure. we took him home with us to get him away from all of the commotion back at home, and we've done nothing but spoil him since. heh, my mama used to do the same thing with sammy when he was a kid...they could never really afford much. it breaks my heart to know that i didn't spend more time with him. i wish i would have. the last time i saw him was the day before i left for spain...didn't even get a chance to really say hi or goodbye. i guess i took his presence for granted.

rest in peace. send my love to your mama <3.

UPDATE: not to ruin such a beautifully sentimental entry...but i turned into an alcoholic and drank away my pain. i also made out with said 19 year-old. uhh...do i feel better about this miserable world? not so much. hahaha, but i think i may have a boyfriend now...bagagagagaga. oh, little boys, come to mama. wow. that sounds disgusting.

he's adorable, and the world is horrible. SHOOT ME, OKAY. i'm going to marine world tomorrow to be pure and wash away my sins with some theme park rides and a tiny bit of animal cruelty. SPREAD LOVE>

(let's get lost)

[08 Jul 2006|12:31am]
[ mood | doin' alright. ]

here's the part where life looks up for a few minutes...

:) GAH! i'm such a weirdo.

see...being tired seems to coincide with my unhappiness and instability. when i don't sleep, i'm ridiculous.

so, as long as i'm able to kick this not sleeping habit at least a bit...then i'll be just dandy.

MEH! so, i go back to work on monday. the money is damn good, and my co-workerz are pretty pimp...so it should be worth it. it'll be a good summer job. fo sho.

also. the sac kids are throwing me a welcome back party tomorrow night (saturday) at the residence of matthew and kelli. if any of you cuties wanna come, i suggest you do. i want to see yer smilin faces.


(4 did | let's get lost)

i'm really trying. [04 Jul 2006|12:40pm]
[ mood | one of those moodz. ]

let's pretend that i'm this incredibly sane and independent lady. i live a fairly modest life, gettin by day to day. i go to spain and enjoy every second of it.

now i'm back here. i guess part of me hoped all of my prior unhappiness would have some how...vanished while i was gone. instead, i feel like it has all been waiting for me. not only waiting for me, but increasing in size. i've returned only to find a giant beast of frustration sleeping in my bed. in fact, he tries to cuddle with me. so now, i can only pray that he'll leave soon, or that i'll some how find a way to acquiesce to his immediate needs.

dear me, i don't want to be the person i was before i left for europe. i was horrible and unstable. i was incessantly pining for something that wasn't there...begging something, someone..anyone to help me realize how life, though trying at times, is capable of making me feel of worth. i know i sound miserable and annoying, but i'm deprived in several regards. i'm tired but lack the ability to sleep. i'm self-conscious, but not enough to do anything about it. i'm lucky but too stupid to be making the most of it. gah, and i love...i love i love and i love, and i'm so fully capable of loving, but i've got no one to love or to love me in return. it's a horrible cycle of being stable and a mess...and i'm so, tired. god, i'm exhausted with my "new" life, and i've been back only a little over 24 hours.

i really whole-heartedly don't know what to do. i see no approaching resolutions, and thus feel nothing but back-breaking weight. i'm ready to lie down. i'm ready to accept defeat and acknowledge my discontented fortune. oh karma, you deceitful, double-crossing whore.

i hold on to the fact that i'm a genuinely good-hearted person. i don't know why i am, or why i continue to let people abuse my good intentions and sensitivity. when you wanted blood, i cut my veins. however, despite all of the backbiting and taking it in the ass, i'm not all that jaded. sure i cry on livejournal about my despondency, but i promise i would never take it out on anyone nor turn my back. i'm a fixer, not a fixee. i'm a curer, never a patient.

please note that i have every intention of keepin on keepin on. i just need the comfort of knowing that something greater than what i have now awaits me...and right now it's nowhere in sight. so, i'm sincerely apologetic for sounding so glum. i promise i'm happy to be home with my family and friends.

nevertheless, it pains me and discourages me knowing that i can't even turn to my beloved in regards to all of this...(IT HAS BEEN TAINTED, you see)...lying on my back i heard music, it felt unsure and catastrophic...had to tell myself it's only music. it blows my mind, but it's like that. OFF OFF OFF. LOCK LOCK LOCK.

i'm tired...

...and you all are legitimately beautiful, slumbersome heathens. so sleep me if you can, devil children!! i sextuple dog dare you.

sloppy smoochies,

(let's get lost)

buenas noches, santander [15 Jun 2006|01:40am]
goodnight world!

p.s.- say yes.

(6 did | let's get lost)

now i'm free. [08 Jun 2006|12:42am]
i'm done! i'm breathing! even better... i'm smiling.

i feel 100% vulnerable and brave right now...and it's a surprisingly okay, unconfusing feeling. imma keep on livin; doin what i can, how i do, when i does.

ya'll couldn't stop me if you died, cried and/or tried ;)

your most ferociously loving friend,
marie d.

p.s.- i like spain.

(1 did | let's get lost)

it's such a loss for the good guys [29 May 2006|12:57am]
too often am i the distractee. quit it already! i'm tired of being unable to focus. i'm tired of thinking. i'm tired.

i've done nothing more than sleep and eat. i'm a sinful sloth. a sinful, redundant, sloth at that. whaaatttaaa catch ;)

i want it back. i whole-heartedly do. i like how the things we love most are simultaneously the purpose/bane of our existence. wassup with that? i ain't feelin it, ya hurr? i wanna live life and be good to you!

oh music, you whore. i fancy you, baby <3

okay. here's the part where i check into reality for a minute.

this weekend of solitude has, more than likely, driven me insane. i neeed human interaction, i THRIVE off of it...i thirst for it. i'm so lonely. being separated from friends forces you to do an uncomfortable sum of introspection. i am painfully lonely. of course more so at the moment because i am, quite literally, isolated from mankind...but, this whole thing, if anything, has made me realize whatta fool i am. i don't fight for what i want. ever. i make feeble attempts, and when those don't succeed, i give up...forcing myself to believe that i did all that i could. i hear it's not supposed to be that easy. i guess i just wish it was. sometimes i wonder whether it's really rejection i fear...or if it's being successful? gah, file that in the PRETENTIOUS SCHOOL OF THOUGHT folderz...right next to buddhism and recycling...oh shi, i didn't mean that...get off my case already.

nEwAyZ! i ReMeMbEr a TiMe WhEn i UsEd tO TyPe LiKe ThiS! aNd i'M nOt EvEn tHaT aSiAn. which REMINDS ME. i'm such a mutt. also. being here in spain has made me realize how mexican-washed my family is. for really. all of my mama's specialties are not spanish at all. her tortillas aren't egg and potatoes...she makes BEANS, delicious, delicious BEANZ..and..annd...enchiladas, and tamales...oh gah. BONERZ.

hmm. i think i've jumped around the board enough for one night. the doctors are going to come see me again tomorrow. i hope i pass the..i don't have mono test again.

oh and it's been confirmed. i'm pretty damn awesome.

<3 strong hugz, make-out kissez, and cutesie kuddlez,

marie dizzle

(2 did | let's get lost)

san sebastean. [15 May 2006|03:37pm]
i'll never go back to basque country again.


okay, well maye to bilbao...but for the most part...san sebastean was kind of cruel to me and the homiez.

OR! we were DUMB. cause...we went there with no place to spend the night..and were all...ugggh we gonna be straight gangstaz and save the skrilla. howevz...it was cold...and every warm place we found to chill had a NINJA SECURITY GUARD...who was all..."por que estas aqui?...no pueden quedarse"...so, we had to leave..and be cold.

ah well, helluv funny ass stories came out of it...so, as long as im still walkin..all is gravy.

here's a secret: i kinda miss home just a lil bit. ;)

(2 did | let's get lost)

[10 Apr 2006|06:43am]
i leave in less than a week.

i know it's lame...because, i'm only leaving for three months (when so many other people leave for so much longer...), but i'm really nervous to be leaving.

i adore my family and friends and it's gonna be hard leaving that all behind for awhile. the independence and new environment will be good for me though. i understand that. :)

also, i don't want to get up to go to work. at all.

miss you already,


(1 did | let's get lost)

faith, you're driving me away. [04 Apr 2006|09:27pm]
yeah yeah yeah. life is crazy--in ways both good and bad, i suppose.

i've been so weird lately. i apologize to any of you who this has affected. i've just got such a crazy amount of things on my mind right now that i don't really know how to react. md has been a bit crabby.

on top of it all...i've been sleeping like...3 hours a night. like...i'll sleep for a bit, wake up and not be able to go back to sleep...finally fall back to sleep...wake up...hah..then when i NEED to be up, i lay in bed. my butt has been gettin ready in 20 mins the last few mornings, which is so not like me.

ANYWAY. I LEAVE SOON! 1 1/2 weeks. eek gat!

PARTY SOON! this weekend. be there. ya'll will get rawked in the viking district of the D!!!

i love you.

<3 the one. the only.

(let's get lost)

i am obliged to explain it all for the benefit of my shadow on the wall. [01 Apr 2006|04:18pm]
today i've been ceremoniously reminded of a time and "issue" i thought to have been almost forgotten. oh what a tempremental object the mind is!!! i'd be wise to not question "its" intentions...wouldn't i?

nevertheless, i do. i do, because i wonder why time and again (much more frequently in days gone by) i've been thrust into this pseudo (pure?) mode of consciousness. my temporary existence in this parallel world is triggered by the smallest things--things i can't mention (heh, don't wanna head back there now, do i!? nah. not again today). anyway. i've been called crazy for telling people about these adventures...but asi es la vida, and i for some reason feel like attempting to explain it for the umpteenth time. i don't doubt that it's happened to all of you actually...

really, if any of you care to understand what i'm talking about...or, just wanna read a really effing amazing book..go get d.p. costello's translation of sadegh hedayat's "the blind owl". it's certainly one of my all time <3's. oooor..ask to borrow it from your's truly. there's an alternate translation available to read online..but i don't quite like that translation as much.

here's an excerpt that pretty much perfectly describes the condition i'm talking about:

"has it not happened to everyone suddenly, without reason, to be plunged into thought and to remain immersed so deeply in it as to lose consciousness of time and place and the working of his own mind? at such times one has to make an effort in order to perceive and recognise again the phenomenal world in which men live. one has been listening to the voice of death."

i don't know. it's always such a bizarre experience...and such a difficult state of mind to get out of. it's ironic that the only way for me to regain normal consciousness is to casually lose awareness of the "abnormality" of the situation. or, it's not ironic at all!

don't listen to me, though. i'm insane in the membrane!

--hugz, kissez, and cuddlez--

(let's get lost)

there's a madness in my soul tonight [17 Mar 2006|08:03pm]
fo sirius black, imma rawk this night to the core and never come back.

or something. more?


(1 did | let's get lost)

[02 Mar 2006|12:24am]

(2 did | let's get lost)

págame ahorita. [25 Feb 2006|04:29pm]
[ mood | . ]

un intento continuo de sonreír sin rencores

todavía tengo la cicatriz.

esa cicatriz, del tenedor que no sabe la ubicación de la cocina. el tenedor que no puede distinguir entre la carne mía y la carne bestial.

estoy sonriendo, señor tenedor, estoy sonriendo.

(let's get lost)

friiiiiiiiidaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay: oh, how i've longed for your sweet touch! [24 Feb 2006|05:52pm]
love and hugs and cuddles and smooches. my cutie booty will be in davis in full effect ESTA NOCHE!

mmmmhmmm!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! =]

(let's get lost)

you so crazy, marie. so crazy. [23 Feb 2006|07:11pm]
[ mood | beeeyoooooond tired ]

work sucked today, HOLD ME!

no, seriously tho. i'd explain myself...but it really wouldn't make sense.

i'm ridiculously tired. i drank a lot of coffee today, and now i am dead. fo realz tho.


(1 did | let's get lost)

fo serious. [19 Feb 2006|03:57pm]
i know this sounds like a stupid question. ya know? one of those questions that're so obscure and huge that you can't wrap yer finger around why people even bother thinking about it...but, i whole-heartedly ask...what makes sense? i think i try too hard to make sense of life and every trivial part of it. a fault of mine? i think so.

jeez. i know i sound lame, but...word.

(let's get lost)

sleeepy face. [16 Feb 2006|07:27am]
[ mood | oooh you know!!! ]


i think one day, hopefully soon, my body will be all...hey! you don't need sleep!

(1 did | let's get lost)

such is life. [13 Feb 2006|09:14pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

it came back.

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