|| one of those moodz.
let's pretend that i'm this incredibly sane and independent lady. i live a fairly modest life, gettin by day to day. i go to spain and enjoy every second of it.
now i'm back here. i guess part of me hoped all of my prior unhappiness would have some how...vanished while i was gone. instead, i feel like it has all been waiting for me. not only waiting for me, but increasing in size. i've returned only to find a giant beast of frustration sleeping in my bed. in fact, he tries to cuddle with me. so now, i can only pray that he'll leave soon, or that i'll some how find a way to acquiesce to his immediate needs.
dear me, i don't want to be the person i was before i left for europe. i was horrible and unstable. i was incessantly pining for something that wasn't there...begging something, someone..anyone to help me realize how life, though trying at times, is capable of making me feel of worth. i know i sound miserable and annoying, but i'm deprived in several regards. i'm tired but lack the ability to sleep. i'm self-conscious, but not enough to do anything about it. i'm lucky but too stupid to be making the most of it. gah, and i love...i love i love and i love, and i'm so fully capable of loving, but i've got no one to love or to love me in return. it's a horrible cycle of being stable and a mess...and i'm so, tired. god, i'm exhausted with my "new" life, and i've been back only a little over 24 hours.
i really whole-heartedly don't know what to do. i see no approaching resolutions, and thus feel nothing but back-breaking weight. i'm ready to lie down. i'm ready to accept defeat and acknowledge my discontented fortune. oh karma, you deceitful, double-crossing whore.
i hold on to the fact that i'm a genuinely good-hearted person. i don't know why i am, or why i continue to let people abuse my good intentions and sensitivity. when you wanted blood, i cut my veins. however, despite all of the backbiting and taking it in the ass, i'm not all that jaded. sure i cry on livejournal about my despondency, but i promise i would never take it out on anyone nor turn my back. i'm a fixer, not a fixee. i'm a curer, never a patient.
please note that i have every intention of keepin on keepin on. i just need the comfort of knowing that something greater than what i have now awaits me...and right now it's nowhere in sight. so, i'm sincerely apologetic for sounding so glum. i promise i'm happy to be home with my family and friends.
nevertheless, it pains me and discourages me knowing that i can't even turn to my beloved in regards to all of this...(IT HAS BEEN TAINTED, you see)...lying on my back i heard music, it felt unsure and catastrophic...had to tell myself it's only music. it blows my mind, but it's like that. OFF OFF OFF. LOCK LOCK LOCK.
...and you all are legitimately beautiful, slumbersome heathens. so sleep me if you can, devil children!! i sextuple dog dare you.